I looked at this page for the first time in an age today & realised that I've contributed nothing in an a long time. The problem is I've got writers block yet couldn't be happier about it. My only problem if you could even look at it that way is that I'm happy for quite possibly the first time in my life. When I was miserable I wrote reams of stuff. Page upon page of depression and self torment spilled out of me with ease.

I am but this, this person you see My faults, failings and foiables all part of what makes me me This simply complex jigsaw so many pieces missing, the turmoil never ceases I wasted so long searching but always picking up the...

No broken dreams because there were no dreams to break No life wasted because there was no life to take No unkept promises, things I could never make Never part of life's great game, I could never raise the stake Meandering...

Coming round again with the taste of your tears upon my swollen bloody tongue You cradle me gently in your arms soothing me and cursing me in equal measures with your words The head pounding confused hours that ensue are spent in...

I'm finding it incredibly hard some days to keep a lid on things emotionally. I think part of it is because I've got a foot in both camps, my seizures are under control as such but obviously I remember them only too well. The fact...

Just lately I feel as if I'm walking through one long foggy day interspersed with the occasional ray of sunshine. It's bugging me because there is simply no reason, can't blame the E, can't blame the meds, nothing personal, nothing...

Broken, dream swept sleepless nights Trembling anxious hours when you awake with that knowing It's there deep within yet so close to the surface, perplexing you with an array of mixed signals You know it will break free...

Sometimes it feels like we are our only friends Yet all too often our own worst enemies We kick ourselves when we are down. Always finding new ways to punish our bodies and minds So often we try to cling to a half-remembered fragment...

All that time not waving but drowning In over my head in the waters of real life Sinking deep in a pool of self despair Strangers I have known all my life don't even bother to hand me a lifejacket Thrashing and flailing...

Who was that guy I was out with last week? So reckless, not a care in the whole damn world. Crazy falling down drunk, court jester, king of fools, crashing bore. A solitary timid soul even when the life and soul of the party. Easy...

I recently re-read a copy of short stories by W. Somerset Maugham, this was the first time I had read the collection in a long time and this piece was the first in the book and it leapt off the page at me as I read. It spoke so much...

The embers of my life began to die and crumble to ash despite being chemically rekindled Then one click, one spark and it burst back into a bright flame This hope in dark light Acceptance and understanding its name Its warmth...

People once friends pick over my not yet dead bones Measured up for my coffin, family pall-bearers all ready chosen How close I was, how simple it would have been to step off into nothingness One step, one line to cross to a void To...

Today is 4 years to the day since my last seizure, I can still feel the last one as I took a header onto the tarmac whilst cycling to work, that feeling never goes away, I repeated it over in slow motion day in day out for those first...

The vigil we both kept for so many years Criss-crossing others paths, occasionally entwined Reaching out, grasping , hoping put never quite touching That diminutive spark from which burst a raging fire Unquenchable we danced around...

How does it feel to admit defeat When you quite literally cannot stand on your own two feet No crutch emotional or otherwise to support you through the tears, anguish, the shame , the pain Smashing your head against life's...

Hidden hateful hands moulded my every empty thought and dreams Drifting distraught and doped up bereft of hope, life ripped apart at the seams Revered or reviled, praised or pugnacious? never really gave a damn, seemingly invisible...

To sum up my life in so few lines, born into darkness, now finally opening my eyes....

Reflecting now on what to me was a complete leap into the dark, I didn't know what I would find or for that matter what I was even looking for. After a couple of false starts and a couple of run-ins with the wrong people (thanks for...

The "new" me, the real me that has finally emerged, blinking in the daylight after been buried alive in the turmoil of earlier life. I'm still grappling and trying to come to terms with this person, often thinking I'm been lead...

A moment yet seemingly a lifetime looked back on with shame and regret So many times hurt, so many times ready to forgive and forget Its always the ones you love you hurt you say I know that's true but it doesn't make the...

Here's the link to my Photobucket albums http://s164.photobucket.com/albums/u19/moorsman/ I'm adding more and more as time allows. At the moment there are 3 albums, to find the other 2 click on the sub album titles within...

As soon as I get round to it and that could take some while, as those who know me will attest to!!! I'm going to put all my pictures in the Photobucket account I've just started so you can have a look at all the pictures from my...

As I awake each new day I'm aware of just how lucky I am in so many ways. I see each new day not as a daily grind anymore but as a voyage into a sea of endless possibilities, everyday life isn't plain sailing but the seas are a lot...

That twilight time, almost in the arms of sleep yet not in bed, sat half dozing the music ends the cacophony begins. The voices grow in my head as each one out shouts the other the din unbearable. But I'm trapped, fatigue and confusion...

I know I post a lot about dreams but so often they shape my thinking or give me clues, so often in the past when dreaming apocalyptic dreams full of religious imagery bad news was often round the corner. Dreaming of death was also...

Last night I had the strangest dream. The whole of the last year or so had never happened, but the dream world I was living in was a life without Epilepsy at all, I had never had it, but somehow that life felt oddly strange and empty....

Hard to explain but I'm both puzzled and perplexed by this. For the last 2 nights I've suffered the first ever seizure dreams in almost 4 years, they were not as intense as in days of old, the heart pounding and panic wasn't there...

Just the last few days I've been out and about a lot making the most of the gorgeous sunny winters days when the sky looks as if it has been painted the colours are so perfect. Here's some pictures I took today whilst out in the...

For the last month or so that's all I seem to have been doing, just papering over the cracks, putting on a brave face call it what you will. There's been days when I dragged myself to work even though I wanted to just stay in bed...

Relentless, restless, churning it over in my mind without even thinking Each time I approach a moment of clarity another obstacle is thrown in my path, leaving my heart sinking Odd how the cyclical anguish of seizures and depression...

Listening to the same old sad songs deep into the night The soundtrack to my ups and downs, the same old dreams haunting me again, that thing once forgotten comes back to tell me things aren't quite right All kinds of different...

Reaching out to what I didn't know For the first time in my life putting the real me on show My first real journey into the strange world of cyberspace Touched by the warmth of a total strangers embrace I approached with...

Only in the last year or so have I been able to look myself fully in the mirror, to actually stare into my own eyes. This face, the scars and misshapen often broken nose like a map showing the pathway through my life of lies. Deceit...

Life taken to it's extreme a seemingly hopeless situation. Just a few years down the line, peace of mind, friendship, a joyfulness - sometimes, occasionally an inspiration. We swing so often from high to rock bottom. From tears...

What are you depressed about? - Nothing Is it your health, job, finances, relationships? - No Then why are you depressed? - I don't know How long have you been depressed? - It feels like forever. Hearing the same old questions,...

Like a fault line running through my life. At the start a mere crack almost undetectable to those with an untrained eye. As the years pass the crack slowly begins to open and is suddenly rent asunder as my whole life collapses in...

Finding myself leafing through old diaries, scraps of paper, sometimes just one or two words jotted down in big capitals to show that for some reason they meant something at the time. Sheet after sheet of self-loathing, depression...

I knew the news was coming but having it there all official in black and white in front of me, well it just made my day. I've been officially discharged from the care of my consultant and Epi-nurse by the NHS, meaning I'm considered...

Trying to make myself understood even as a child There was always that gap I couldn't quite cross to get through to the other side Growing older the gap became wider, even more vast I see others and shout out, waving my arms in...

Painting myself into a corner again with my web of deceit and lies But the thing that hurts me the most is the look of disappointment through the tears in your brown eyes You know it's happening again no matter how many excuses I...

I know I just posted a lot of this on Colina's lovely thread in the corner booth, but I just wanted to say how deeply moved I was by all the best wishes, emails etc I received, guess it just proves that I was right when I said that...

Both these snippets are very much things that sum up my present philosophy in life, they sum up how I feel and think. It matters not how strait the gate How charged with punishments the scroll I am the master of my fate I am...

It's my birthday today (the 3rd) and I'd like to take a bit of time out to show how much difference a year can make in a persons life. During my last birthday I was still about halfway through CBT, I quite frankly had a lot of problems...

The days we live through when confusion bounces around already somewhat damaged brains We hate the people we love, lashing out at the easiest targets yet again They walk on eggshells around us, frightened that the slightest upset...

Through my minds eye seeing things through a different kind of lens My perception of depth, sound, colours and movement around me, the spectrum never ends The voices in my head chattering all the time But when things are going so...

Always slightly out of sync with the world moving slightly off kilter around me Feeling like I'm treading water, watching, waiting never quite feeling completely at ease Locked inside this cell with no bars, the guard carries no...

Outta sight, going outta my mind Not feeling as if I belong to this thing called mankind Everything I had was theirs to share When they took their piece and there was no more they walked out on me without a thought, not a care Searching...

A seemingly bottomless well of deep regret and shame The stupid, the despicable things I've done during my life, I take the blame Frustration, confusion and despair, old friends old enemies for most of my life So many false dawns...

Traffic thunders past overhead as I lay and doze off in the sun in a calm balmy bliss The only time I stir is when a cyclist pedals by, does life really get any better than this? Only two miles away from the hustle and bustle of...